


Beautiful Monster

by ellewrites



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Dysphoria, Explicit Language, Multi, Self-Hatred, trans!Bruce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 00:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewrites/pseuds/ellewrites
Summary: Why couldn’t she have become beautiful, like Steve? He was broken but Howard had fixed him. The same serum that created Captain America, that fixed Steve and made him whole, made him what he wanted to be, gave the demons within her life and a corporeal form. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.





	

Red lipstick. It was a bolder shade than she’d ever picked before, and it showed on her thick lips. She stared at herself in the mirror. The meticulously applied eyeliner, the filled in brows, the concealer that covered the inconsistencies in her skintone. It would’ve been a beautiful picture – if she had been a beautiful person. 

She pulled a curl down over her forehead, tried to imagine if her hair was longer. Maybe it would cover the thickness of her neck. But nothing could hide the obviously masculine features of her face – the square jaw, the heavy brow, the chronic five o’clock shadow that foundation could never cover up. She would never be beautiful. She was an abomination.

And Pepper was so kind to let her do this when she was in town – to let her go through her makeup, to let her have her hour of privacy sitting at Tony’s expensive vanity in the top floor of the tower, brushing powder across her eyelids with cautious care and precision. And it felt good to do that. The process was good. Sitting in a velvet robe with legs cleanly shaven, the smell of lavender bath oil still lingering on her skin, an array of color before her. It was just... when it was done...

When it was done she was left staring at the mirror with a tremor on the side of her face as she tried to suck it up, tried not to cry and ruin all of her hard work. But it was so –  _ fuck _ ! It was so fucking  _ frustrating _ . All of her life she knew, she knew there was something deeply wrong with her, deeply flawed. And she tried to push it down and push it down and push it down but it just never stayed in it’s place.

Oh the irony, the horrible cruelty that she was cursed to be forever tied to the horrendous display of masculinity that lived inside of her. That piece of her she couldn’t stand, that piece of her that consumed her nightmares, that took this already male form and twisted into something larger than life, something that couldn’t be hidden away or ignored. She had never truly accepted herself for what she was until he was born – but since he was born she was unable to live within her own body any more.

The reflection wilted and she let her head fall into an open palm, biting the inside of her mouth to keep from crying. The longer he lived the more unbearable her pain. Why couldn’t she have become beautiful, like Steve? He was broken but Howard had fixed him. The same serum that created Captain America, that fixed Steve and made him whole, made him what he  _ wanted _ to be, gave the demons within her life and a corporeal form. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t  _ fair _ .

But what was she going to do? She was older now, she had no money. Tony would help her, she knew – Tony would do anything for her – but she couldn’t ask that of him. And in a way – she was scared. She had lived in this body for so many years. She hated it – oh, how she hated it. Its flat plains and scars, its hair and its big hands and its narrow hips. But it was also  _ her’s _ . It was hard to give that up, especially when in uncertain circumstances you were forced to for a creature undeniably worse.

Tony could never understand that – she tried to explain it once, tucked up against his chest with eyes closed and a shaky voice – but she didn’t blame him. Who wanted to feel like this? She would never ask the man she loved to feel like this. Truthfully, she would never ask  _ anyone _ to feel like this.

It wasn’t like he didn’t try, though. He was more respectful than she could’ve ever hoped. Tony was the only one who never called her Bruce.

“Hey babe.” Tony’s voice was soft as he leaned into the bathroom, watching her carefully, judging her mood. “Pep’s about to fall asleep and she’s requesting snuggles.”

She turned her eyes back to the mirror, then down to the vanity. She didn’t feel much like seeing anyone right then – or letting anyone see her. But Tony always seemed to know just when she wanted to be alone the most – and when she needed to be alone the least.

Tony stepped towards her, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezing a little. His fingers brushed through her hair, stroking across her cheek, and she turned her head, embarrassed.

“You look beautiful,” he murmured, leaning down to plant a tender kiss her on the top of her head, his nose nestled in her hair.

She rolled her eyes but reached for the hand on her shoulder anyway. Although she never believed his compliments, it was still nice to hear them. The effort mattered more to her than anything.

“Come to bed,” he whispered into her hair, lacing their fingers together.

She smiled a tight smile and glanced back at the mirror. “In a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” Tony agreed, straightening up and watching her in the mirror a moment before letting her hand go and making his way back to the bedroom where Pepper was waiting.

She looked back to her reflection, squaring her shoulders, trying to feel confident but failing fast. What she really felt like was a burden, a freak. Not that feeling like a freak was an unfamiliar feeling for her, but she hated to drag Tony and Pepper into that. It was bad enough she had done it to Betty – she had promised to never bring anyone else into her freakshow. And yet here she was, wedging herself into a perfectly wonderful relationship. It made her feel terrible. But also...

Carefully she closed up Pepper’s makeup box, trying to push her negativity to the back of her mind. Because despite how selfish it was, how stupid, she couldn’t help it – it was also really, really nice to feel accepted by them, to feel cared for, to feel safe.

Finally able to ignore the mirror, she stood, leaving the makeup on. In the morning she would wash it off in the shower, embarrassed, donning her mask of unquestioned masculinity again – but for now she would try to enjoy the nights when she was able to be herself.

Unlike Tony, Pepper never said anything, and tonight was no exception as she walked back into the bedroom. Oh, sure, occasionally she would give her some tip on how to use a blender brush, offer some kind of helpful girl talk the likes of which she had never been offered before in her life. But even then, Pepper treated her like the most normal, boring thing in the world. As much as she relished in Tony’s compliments, she wasn’t sure if she didn’t need Pepper’s apathy more.

Tony was reading on a tablet, his arm around Pepper’s shoulder, her head resting on his bare chest, and when she entered the room Pepper smiled over at her.

“Oh, good,” Tony said, looking up from over his reading glasses. “I wanted your opinion on –”

“Nope,” Pepper interrupted, shifting to take his tablet from him and setting it on the end table.

Tony frowned as she removed the glasses from his face with a self-satisfied grin, folded them very deliberately, and set them atop the tablet.

A small smile twitched at the corner of her lips as she watched their interaction. Being on the run for so long had warped her sense of human interaction. Little moments like this, where things were normal and her friends were happy felt overwhelming. To be let into these people’s lives, trainwreck that she was – it was more than she deserved.

So she appreciated it more than they probably would ever know as she slipped into bed next to Tony. She lay against his shoulder and Pepper reached out for her with a genuine smile, squeezing her hand as Tony’s hand found her thigh and rested on it, welcoming her into bed.

“Tony told me you decided to come to the gala,” Pepper said as she relaxed against Tony again. “I’m glad.”

“Me too,” Tony agreed, planting a kiss on the side of her head as he settled back into the pillows. “Pep never bitches about anything with me.”

Pepper rolled her eyes and elbowed him in the ribs. “I bitch  _ about _ you,” she replied with a good natured grin.

She snickered from her place on the other side of Tony, slowly unwinding in their easy camaraderie. There wasn’t often when she felt like herself, not when the mirror and the monster and the reality of her existence were so much. But here, with them, being treated so naturally, so kindly, with so much love... For a moment she could almost,  _ almost _ forget what she really was. 


End file.
